Number of cookbooks the milliner and I received collectively for Xmas: five, (completing our Bourdain and Thomas Keller collections). Number of pounds we’ll collectively gain in the next few months: I don’t even want to think about it. However, it will be a slow, delicious descent into hell, replete with buttery sauces, fine pastries, meats slow-braised in veal fat, etc. Oh, and frites. Lots of frites. With aioli. Must go now and cook.
Strangely enough, regardless of where I happen to be working, there always comes a time when a co-worker comes up to me and asks, well, strange question I know, but if I happen to have a corkscrew. It happened again yesterday at the office potluck. “Um, um, wait! Yes I do!” Granted, it’s an attachment to a Swiss army knife, but it sure does the trick. (Add some gum, a rubber band and Fruit Loops and you’ve got yourself a functional gun. Don’t ask me how I know.)
So, for about 15 minutes, I’m the office hero. Afterward, unfortunately, I have to explain why I carry a corkscrew with me.
On Tuesdays, I so dearly want to kick back, do my little dance (it makes the milliner giggle), and watch The Amazing Race. Unfortunately, I also know that I’ll be subjected to seeing bare-chested Jonathan (shudder), his overdosed-on-botox wife/punching bag, and KKKendra. But the worst? Oh, the truly awful, emetic worst scenes to flicker on the tele are, without a doubt, that mousy, if-you’re-gonna-binge-you-better-purge starlet, Sarah Jessica Parker hocking the schmata for Gap.
Go on and use slave labour so that I only have to pay $20 for a pair of pants (I kid). Make everyone dress in beige and earth tones, no complaints here. But please, for all that is good and holy, can someone get lil’ orphan Annie off my screen? Bring back my two favourite drunks, Marianne Faithful and Rufus Wainwright, and I’ll go back to loving the Gap. But to see Matthew Broderick’s personal fluffer receiving gifts because she’s just so, so perfect? Yeah, that doesn’t work for me.
Leading up to last Friday, here I was, doing my job, unclear on whether I was supposed to return on Monday (yesterday). The contract extension was up on Friday, no one had told me whatfor and, being the milquetoast that I am, I didn’t ask. Because? I’ve found that ignoring a dilemma often makes it go away. Try it, it works.
So, I begged off participating in the gift exchange, but did put my name down for making cinnamon buns for the office potluck. Heck, if I wasn’t going to be here, no harm no foul. I was being given work to do, told what I had to do in the coming weeks, but figured that the people giving me work didn’t know about my contract ending.
Friday comes and goes, I go home and figure, “heck, if they let me know on Monday that I’m not supposed to be there, I’ll simply pack my stuff.” Come to work yesterday, walk into the manager’s office, and ask, “am I supposed to be here?” “Why not?” he asked. “Um, contract? Over on Friday? Remember?” “What? Weren’t you told? We extended your contract again.”
I’ve often wondered whether I should be more assertive when it comes to my career.
Thank you so much. Reminds me of a line spoken by Bart Simpson: I am well aware of the works of Pablo Neruda.
My po, po Cletus. Got rear-ended on the way to work. Sigh. At least it’s considered no-fault.
Of course, it’s a duet. I’ll need an innocent lass to sing the main part, I’ll sing the italics. Who’s with me?
I really can’t stay
But baby its cold outside
I’ve got to go away
But baby its cold outside
This evening has been so very nice
I’ll hold your hands there just like ice
My mother will start to worry!
Beautiful what’s you’re hurry?
And father will be pacing the floor
Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I better scurry!
Beautiful please don’t hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more
Put some records on while I pour
The neighbors might think
Baby its bad out there
Say.. what’s in this drink
No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how…. to break the spell
Your eyes are like starlight now
I’ll take you’re hat your hair looks swell
I ought to say NO! NO! NO!
Mind if I move in close?
At least I’m gonna say that I tried!
What’s the sense of hurtin my pride?
I really cant stay
Baby don’t hold out
But its cold outside!!
I simply must go
But baby its cold outside
The answer is NO
But BABY its cold outside
How lucky that you dropped in
This welcome has been so nice and warm
Gosh look at that storm
My sister will be suspicious!
Gosh you’re lips look delicious!
My brother will be there at the door!
Waves upon a tropical shore!
My maiden aunts mind is vicious
OOH you’re lips are delicious
Well maybe just a cigarette more
NEVER such a blizzard before
I’ve got to get home!
But baby you’ll FREEZE out there!
Say lend me a coat?
It’s up to you’re knees out there
You’ve really been grand!
I thrill when u touch my hand
But don’t you see?
HOW can you DO this thing to ME?
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
Think of my life long sorrow!
At least there be plenty of advice!
If U caught pnemonia and DIED!!
I really cant stay!
Get over that old out
Ahhhhhhh BUT BABY its cold…..OUT side!!
Shamelessly ripped off another board
1. Get that abortion you’ve always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
7. Get that gas mask you’ve been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
10. Borrow books from library before they’re banned – Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc.
11. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix – do it now.
12. Come out – then go back in – HURRY!
13. Jam in all the Alzheimer’s stem cell research you can.
14. Stay out late before the curfews start.
15. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his “accident.”
16. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
17. Use the phrase — “you can’t do that — this is America.”
18. Marry interracially.
19. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile.
20. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
21. Start your school day without a prayer.
22. Teach your children about evolution.
23. Learn French.
24. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
25. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
26. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
27. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
28. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
29. Visit Alaska before “The Big Spill.”
30. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a State.
Back from the gym, and the snow is just falling and falling. Beautiful, white, make cars spin snow. I’m in heaven. Gonna get the skis out tomorrow, up the mountain to do some strides.
Screw the salad, bottle of water and pedometer value meal. Screw the cottage cheese. I wants me one of these, from Hardee’s:
The “Monster Thickburger” — two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun.
If this isn’t a scene out of the Simpson’s, I don’t want what is. Oh, and it’s only 1420 calories; that ain’t nothin’.